I'm Not Normal . . . Thank God!

From the time I was a child, I knew I was not normal. I didn't quite figure out a lot of the things that other kids seem to learn naturally. I always felt a bit out of step. From kindergarten through third grade I had a lot of social issues. I cried a lot in school. Kids made fun of me. I preferred to be alone, except with a very few kids. I felt safer with the kids I knew in my neighborhood. I was very trusting of the kids I knew, which sometimes got me into trouble because my innocence would let me be led astray.

I had a wicked "temper." I could fly into a rage if something upset me or did not align with my perception of fairness. My sisters and I did not get along much of the time, which I'm sure made things difficult for my stay-at-home mother. She seemed to prefer that my father would take me to his car repair business with him or to the local fire station where he was a volunteer fire chief.

Around the time I was 10 or so my father warned me that I was getting big and strong enough that I had to control "my temper," "stop acting like a baby," and grow up or I was going to really hurt someone. I think that got my attention, because I really didn't want to hurt anyone.

At some point, I started to figure things out well enough to get by. I was smart and read a lot, so my grades in school were good. I focused on school and but became more introverted, even as I learned to "play the game."

I was popular enough, although quiet, and social enough that in fifth grade I got elected to be the "president" of my classroom. But our form of democracy was much like the way Congress runs these days and I was quickly ousted when someone made a motion to hold a new election. Fifth graders seemed to like elections, so I was voted out. Then I got voted back in and back out again. I think I was the captain of our kickball team for a day or two, but again got voted out. I think other kids found my intelligence attractive, but my directness -- even bossiness -- offputting.

I made my way through school, off to college, into the professional world and into family life pretty well. I met my wife, Amy, now of nearly 35 years, when I was 27. We've gone on to have three kids, who have all turned out well. I've held marketing and communication positions in management and leadership for big companies, such as GE, Prudential and Lincoln Financial Group. I earned a master's in Organizational Dynamics at the University of Pennsylvania. I started my own business in 2007 and continue to work as a business coach and consultant with no desire to slow down, retire, stop working, or ride off into the sunset. I love what I do so why would I ever stop.

Now here's the thing: Through all of this, I had a pretty high level of social anxiety. I worked super hard. I played all of the corporate games to move ahead. I earned a master's degree focused on how people work together in organizations. I succeeded in large part because I could see things that others didn't see, solve problems in ways others couldn't, and I was able to understand strategic connections and relationships between issues and teams and projects better than most. I sometimes rubbed people the wrong way with my directness. I was in various words, "extraordinary, quirky, insightful, different, weird, strange, amazing, unusual, divergent . . . 

I was . . . I am . . . Autistic.

Now I didn't know I was autistic until I hit age 60. That's when I was working with a brilliant psychologist who recognized my Autism because he himself is Autistic. I confirmed my Autism with a battery of self-tests, which he validated by looking at the results and also through his own observations and diagnostic standards.

It had lived a lifetime of feeling "off," seeming like an outcast at times, being an insightful curiosity in the business world, moving along as best I could, making my living by being different without really understanding the fullness of who I am.

Today, I am incredibly grateful for knowing that I am Autistic. And I'm also grateful that I was not diagnosed as a child and forced to conform to the norm. Why should I be "normal" when i have the opportunity to be extraordinary?!

Much of my social anxiety and difficulties in life have come from not being accepted, not understanding myself, and being "othered" in social situations.

If you're still with me, I want to say that Autism is not what most people think. I believe we are the infancy of understanding Autism. I hope that we can soon get to a point where Autistic children are not forced into therapies that try to erase who they are and get them to be "normal." i hope that we can soon get to an appoint where Autistic adults can be welcome and appreciated in the workaday world for the amazing potential we possess and the value we can create for businesses. And i hope we can soon get to the point where Autism is celebrated for the wonderful gift it is.

Now some may say that there are Autistic people who seem to be struggling, even suffering as they try to learn, grow, strive, thrive and cope in the world. I would say this is very true. But I wonder how much of that is "put on them" without people really appreciating that they may have the most amazing internal life that most of us do not understand. We need to learn better how to engage and nurture these folks, something we largely do not do well with.

I appreciate you reading this and hope you know that while I am not normal, I am deeply appreciative that I am who I am and I thank God every day for that.

If you would like to have a friendly conversation about Autism, mental health, or life in general, please email me, [email protected], and we can find a time to talk.